Let's Celebrate the World's Athletes with an Olympic Gif Party [Olympics]

The London Olympics are wrapping up on Sunday, after 16 days of competition, crying during national anthems, and ill-conceived grill flashing. Let's relive some of the game's most memorable moments with the artistic medium du jour, the gif.

(The one of Serena, above, comes from our brothers at Deadspin.)

On July 27th — we were all so innocent then — the XXX Olympiad kicked off in London with an Opening Ceremony fit for a parachuting, Bond Girl Queen. We had no idea the giffable treats that awaited us during the days ahead, but everyone was very, very excited.

Unfortunately, one of the first memorable moments of the games was noteworthy in its suckiness — South Korean fencer Shin A-Lam lost a berth in the gold medal match to German Britta Heidemann after officials added time to the clock. Because of fencing rules, Shin had to remain on the piste, where she cried in front of a crowd of 8,000 people while the judges considered her coach's appeal, which was eventually rejected. Shin refused to leave and had to be escorted from the arena by security in one of the most controversial moments in the history of modern fencing.

The US Women's Gymnastics team kicked some serious ass in London, decisively defeating Russia for the team gold medal. Two nights later, American Gabby Douglas became the first African-American woman to win the individual all-around gold medal, and the first American woman ever to win both team and individual gold in the Olympics. But just because Olympic gymnasts are serious competitors doesn't mean they're not good sports. Here's Russia's fierce Aliya Mustafina and America's Aly Raisman, rivals in competition, congratulating each other during event finals. The thumbs up from Mustafina kills me dead, you guys.

Image via

These games marked the first time women were allowed to compete in Olympic boxing, and, despite what some dudes who don't like ladies getting sweaty and hitting each other said, the sport's debut was a rousing success. Ireland's Katie Taylor made her countrymen ecstatic with her victory in the 60kg lightweight division (that's not hyperbole — check out this video of the enormous crowd gathered in her hometown reacting to her victory). But my favorite moment of women's boxing was watching American Claressa Shields losing her shit as she received her gold medal for the middleweight division.

On the track the UK's Mo Farah became Britain's first ever gold medalist in the 10,000 meter event, racing one of the most thrilling 25 laps of dudes running at an alarming speed a person could hope to witness. Farah trains in the US with partner Galen Rupp, and the two faced a deep, talented field of distance runners determined to keep the pair off the podium. But their efforts to block Farah and Rupp were unsuccessful; and the pair finished 1-2. Farah's reaction to crossing the finish line, with Rupp in the background, is enough to soften even the hardest, blackest, most Olympic-hating heart.

Meanwhile, swimming and diving.

The US women's soccer team lost a nailbiter to Japan in the finale of last year's Women's World Cup. This time around, thanks to hard work, an incredible last second goal by Alex Morgan in the semifinal versus Canada and a little OLYMPIC MAGIC, the team found itself once again facing Japan in the finals. And the team's resident Jedi Hope Solo delivered, big time. Gold medal! USA! USA! USA!

America's runners did their country proud, with veteran Allyson Felix finally winning her first Olympic gold in the 200 meter event. But the Americans also captured 2 medals in the 200, the 400, the 100 meter hurdles, and the long jump. Other female runners kicked ass in London as well —Ethiopia's Tiki Gelana finished the marathon in a blazing 2:23:07, setting an Olympic record. Russian women took home gold medals in the steeplechase, 400 meter hurdles, and hammerthrow. And — spoiler alert, Team America fans — just this afternoon, the US Women's 4X100 meter relay team shattered a 27-year-old world record when the fantastic foursome of Allyson Felix, Tianna Madison, Bianca Knight and Carmelita Jeter finished the race in only 40.82 seconds. The second place Jamaican sprinters (Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, Sherone Simpson, Veronica Campbell-Brown and Kerron Stewart) finished in 41.41, a national record. The third place Ukrainians also broke their national women's record, which means that men are now officially over.

So now, it's almost time to wrap things up in London and rev things up in Rio, the site of the 2016 games. Pause for a second and think about what age you'll be when those happen. Your life is ebbing away in 4 year chunks, drop by Olympian drop. And NBC's Olympic fanfare theme music begins playing ominously in your head.

Anyway, here's hoping that when Rio takes the reins, they handle it at least as well as the Brits did. Because watching a poorly organized sporting event is a lot like watching a poorly executed dive.

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World's Least Creative Russian Politician Calls Madonna a Whore [Dirt Bag]

Like she's never heard that before. Please. Try harder. Russian deputy premier Dmitry Rogozin—apparently not a Pussy Riot fan—had some less than friendly words for our gal Madge. "Every former w. wants to give lectures on morality when she grows old," he tweeted. "Especially during foreign tours." Apparently in Russian twit-language, "w." means THE WHORE-WORD (so much learning today!). Rogozin also added, "Either take off your cross or put on your knickers." Ooooohhh, burn or whatever. Madonna's spokeswoman, who is apparently fucking hilarious, responded: "Maybe he and Elton can form a Madonna fan club." Zing! I love it. [CBS]

Lindsay Lohan went totally gorilla all over Clint Eastwood's daughter Francesca's 19th birthday party. According to a bystander:

"Lindsay came over and started screaming that Francesca should leave," a source tells Us Weekly. "She was yelling 'I'm a star, she's a nobody, get her out of here!' One poor guy came over and tried to calm [Lindsay] down and she acted aggressively. At that point the security told her to leave and it was totally embarrassing."

Then Lohan and her friends snuck up behind Eastwood and cut away the back part of her dress so that all the boys from Camp Thunderhead saw her bloomers!!! How vile! When reached for comment, Francesca said she's "not sure what exactly sparked Lindsay's outburst ... I still had an amazing birthday...Parent Trap is still my favorite movie." Hayley Mills would never pull this kind of shit. Ugh, Lindsay, no. [Yahoo!]

The Insane Clown Posse would like you to please note that "The FBI is wrong—Juggalos are NOT A GANG!" (In other news, he's also NOT AN ALIEN. He's a ghost, and he writes to us.) Quoth Shaggy 2 Dope:

"We are hearing too many stories from our fans about the trouble [being on the FBI list is] causing them. Just because you like a music group, doesn't make you a criminal." The other ICP member, Violent J, added, "We're not attacking the FBI, but they got this wrong. The Juggalos are not a gang, and that needs to be fixed."

Yeah. You're right. Juggalos are totally awesome and do awesome stuff all the time, just like any other group of music enthusiasts. I'll never forget that time all those Dave Matthews fans got together and bludgeoned that transient. Ah, summer. [TMZ]

Um, oh yeah—remember how Michael Jackson's kids also have that mom!?!? Well Debbie Rowe is back 4 the attack! Or, rather, 4 the benign acquiescence. She's that lady who wove the Jackson kids out of her womb tissues and some mystery sperm and then threw them at MJ and was all, "NO BACKS!" And she's weighed in on the recent custody kerfuffle that granted joint guardianship to Grandma Katherine and Cousin T.J. Rowe says she does "not object to the relief sought by Tito Joe Jackson and by Katherine Jackson," but she will "continue to monitor the situation to ensure the best interests of her children are met" and would "seek court intervention" if the arrangement between Tito and Katherine became "untenable, unstable or unsafe or in any way contrary to the best interest of the children." Yokey dokey! As long as somebody's keeping an eye on this slow-motion air disaster! [E!]

Here's Naomi Watts all lookin' like Princess Di and such. [Us]How does Kate Beckinsale maintain her "ageless" bod? BLOOD MAGIC! Wait, no, just yoga. [Us]Ryan Lochte got drunk at Guy Ritchie's pub and was "accosted" by several women—but like the caliente kind of accosted!!! [Radar]Adam Levine went to Gelson's in West Hollywood for ice cream. Quick! Run over there and see if you can huff any of his scent! [JustJared]Here's an overview of the Catching Fire cast so far. [EW]Some people want Ryan Lochte to be the new Bachelor. [ONTD]Okay, so it turns out that that picture of Taylor Swift introducing Conor Kennedy to her parents was actually a picture of Swift eating dinner with her brother. But that doesn't mean she didn't take Conor home to meet the 'rents. She did take him to Nashville, where they live. (It also does not mean that she is dating her brother. Everyone caught up?) Anyhoo all this flim-flam is missing the entire point here, which is that Taylor Swift is sooooooo pretty, you guys! I know I should care about real stuff instead, like unemployment or whales, but seriously she's so pretty. [People]Arty Farty threw a party. [Express]Bob Marley's daughter got to handle Usain Bolt's Michael Johnson. And she loved it! [Express]

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World's Worst Son 'Rubs Dog Defecation' in Mom's Face During Argument [Poop]

It's a classic tale: Son demands vodka, mother yells at son, son acquires feces, son smears feces in mother's face, son goes to jail. (Or, the short version: Florida.)

Via the Smoking Gun:

Cops arrested William Jenkins, 22, on a felony domestic battery charge for pushing his mother, 53, to the floor during the dispute, according to a Palmetto Police Department report.

When questioned by cops, Jenkins denied pushing his mother, but admitted that he "did rub dog defecation on her face because she yelled at him," investigators noted.

The confrontation between Jenkins, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, was apparently prompted by his mother's refusal to provide him with a shot of vodka.

Jenkins retrieved the dog feces from the home's back porch, where his mother's dog had relieved itself. He "then reached down with his hand picked up the dog defecation and rubbed it in his mother's face," cops reported.

Ah, yes. Nothing like the old, "I didn't push her—I just rubbed shit in her face, JEEZ" defense. The whole thing went down in Manatee County, Florida, which makes everything better because then you can pretend that the entire police department is staffed by actual manatees in tiny caps. And then the detective manatee goes a little off the rails and the chief manatee is like, "Jimmy, you're getting too close to this case! Give me your gun and badge!" and Jimmy's like, "Chief, I can nail this guy!" and then they both get distracted and go munch kelp. Manatee County. That's free, Hollywood. That's for you.

Florida Police Arrest Worst Son In The World [TSG]

Photo credit: Cory Thoman/Stockfresh.

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How Diet Coke Became the World's Liquid Crack of Choice [Diet Coke]

Diet Coke turns 30 this year, and despite health concerns and an rocky advertising trajectory (remember Paula Abdul dancing with dead celebrities?), the Thank-God-It's-Not-Sugar-But-Hopefully-Aspartame-Won't-Kill-You beverage is doing better than ever. Diet Coke has held the title of second most popular soda in the world (after regular Coke) for two years running — 40% of colas currently sold are either Diet Coke or Coke Zero — and it seems like more people are now drinking it for the taste instead of as a diet aid. But it wasn't always this way.

When Diet Coke was introduced in 1982, "it was too new to be cool," Zoe Williams recalls. "So it was very uncool not to drink it, but it wasn't totally cool to drink it either." While most people in the 80s were busy making horrible decisions regarding leg warmers and cocaine, the brand made headway with two genius moves. The first was buying Columbia Pictures as champions of product placement, guaranteeing that actors would be chugging Diet Coke for decades to come. Second, it changed its name from Tab, a title so associated with "diet" drinks that even literally putting Diet in its new moniker made the beverage more successful.

The brand has tried to experiment over the past decade with little success; the public knows what it wants, and it wants its Diet Coke. There was 2005's Coke Zero, which was practically the same as Diet Coke but meant to appeal to men who were too embarrassed to drink a sissy weight loss beverage like all those weight-obsessed ladies out there. Apparently, though, those men don't actually exist, because no one bought Coke Zero, despite its sleek packaging and uber-manly, throw-caution-to-the-wind "Enjoy everything" tagline. Oops.

Then, in 2007, Diet Coke launched Diet Coke Plus with "fortified vitamins and minerals." Maybe the brand would've had more luck calling it Diet Coke Oxymoron? "People didn't want vitamins in their drink, because the last thing you want to be reminded of while you're drinking artificial sweetener is the health-giving bounty of the natural world," Williams writes of its failure. "If I had to accompany Diet Coke with anything, I'd want it to be freeze dried space food." (Or spicy food; "I only drink Diet Coke with Mexican/Chinese/Indian" is the "I only smoke when I'm drunk" for soda addicts.)

Researchers have been trying for years to definitively prove that aspartame is bad for you. They haven't had any luck so far, but we're still pretty sure Diet Coke is something we shouldn't be constantly imbibing. Will Diet Coke become less popular as we collectively become more obsessed with Farm-to-Table eating? (Michael Pollan would probably rather eat a genetically modified ear of corn than drink a can of DC.) Maybe not. "There are a lot of ways to give yourself a bone disease, and they are not all as enjoyable as Diet Coke," Williams says, arguing that one reason it's so popular is because it's a publicly palatable way to rebel:

The appeal of the drink in public life is, I believe, for the sorts of people who aren't allowed to have a visible vice to show that they have the devil in them somewhere. Bill Clinton famously loved Diet Coke (in fairness to him, he had no need to manifest his saturnine desires with a soft drink. So he just probably likes the taste). Barack Obama loves it (I like to think it's something he wishes he didn't drink. You can't imagine in his best self, when he and Michelle get together to work out their weight targets for the year, pledging to drink more Diet Coke.)

Diet Coke haters might not understand its pervasive appeal on the eve of its 30th birthday, but, as Williams writes, "Everybody else will understand how it came of age – it's because it's delicious."

Also, can we all agree that fountain > glass bottle > can > plastic bottle? Thank you.

Diet Coke at 30: what is its enduring appeal? [Guardian]

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Doddering Republican Billionaire Announces that Women Are World's Third Most Beautiful Creatures [Politics]

Foster Friess just can't stop saying stupid shit. Earlier this year, the big Santorum backer told a horrified Andrea Mitchell that back in his day, women didn't need birth control pills because "the gals" kept an aspirin between their knees (in other news, Foster Friess has never had sex with a woman while her legs were together, which is both possible and hot, which makes me feel kind of bad for Foster Friess's wife — but I digress). But if you thought Friess would be a One Hit Wonder on the Can You Believe This Ridiculous Crap? charts, relax — he's announced that he thinks women are beautiful creatures — but not as beautiful as deer or swans.

The proclamation came as Friess was traipsing around an Aspen, Colorado convention for Republican governors and the super wealthy assholes who like to give money to them, and here's the entirety of the context in which it occurred, per NBC —

NBC News intersected Friess as he walked with other donors from the lobby of an Aspen hotel to a nearby restaurant.

He wore a white straw-style cowboy hat and paused to ask directions of locals.

A group of women pointed him in the right direction.

"Women are God's most beautiful creatures," he said as they walked away. "After the white-tailed deer and the swan."

So the context is: there is no context. Foster Friess really wanted to let NBC know that not only does he classify women as "creatures," he'd also really love to fuck a deer.

Guys like Foster Friess don't realize that they don't sound like a young Hugh Hefner or Timothy Dalton's cheesy interpretation of James Bond when they say stuff like that; they sound like dirty old men in long term care facilities trying to grab nurses' asses.

[NBC]

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World's Worst Dating Website Asks Who You'd Want By Your Side During a 'Dark Night'-esque Tragedy [Omg Wtf]

All hope for humanity is officially lost: Death and Taxes' Ned Hepburn received a press release from a dating website asking readers who they'd want by their side on a first date "IN THE EVENT OF A TRAGEDY LIKE THE DARK NIGHT MASSACRE." (Emphasis ours, out of emotional necessity.)

We don't expect all that much in terms of class from WhatsYourPrice.com, which is basically like Ebay for women. (No, that doesn't mean it's Pinterest-y, it means you actually get to bid on female humans.) But this goes above and beyond all our seedy advertising expectations. An excerpt:

Hi [redacted],

In the event of a tragedy like the Dark Knight Massacre, who would you want by your side on a first date? One online dating website asked their members what they would do on a first date if they found themselves in danger, and the answer may surprise you. If you are holding out for a hero, dating someone who is generous, but not necessarily wealthy, may be the difference between life and death.

During the Dark Knight Massacre, three men lost their lives to save the lives of their girlfriends. But what if you were on a first date, and you had only just met? How do you differentiate the courageous from the cowardly? According to the results of the survey of over 20,000 generous male members, it's by generosity, but a man's generosity is not defined by the size of his wallet. In fact, men who make between $80,000 to $150,000 per year are more likely to take a bullet for you on a first date.Those who fall outside of that income bracket, are significantly less likely to put their well being over that of their date's, on a first date.

Read the rest here.

Online dating website trying to capitalize on Aurora shooting tragedy [Death and Taxes]

(Image via WhatsYourPrice.com)

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World's First Weight Loss Perfume Smells Like Depressing Bullshit [Weighty Matters]

New fragrance Prends-Moi, which claims to be the world's first slimming perfume (but probably won't be the last, since we love spending money on bizarre weight loss scams), promises to "slim with pleasure" thanks to notes of caffeine, carnitine, and spirulina. Mmmmm.

From the Fragrance Shop website (which lists the perfume's "gender" as "female," because perfumes totally have genders and sellers obv think only women would be crazy enough to try and slim down via sniffing dietary supplements):

Designed to ‘slim with pleasure' PRENDS-MOI is based on extensive aromatherapeutic and ‘neurocosmetic' research and contains active ingredients including ‘Betaphroline' which when it comes in to contact with keratinocytes (cells found in the outer layer of the skin) will induce the release of B-endorphins present in the skin. A ‘pleasure message' is transmitted through the neurotransmitters (impulse from a nerve cell to another nerve, muscle, organ or other tissue) to the hippocampus (the ‘odour brain') triggering an immediate sensation of well being, a reduction in stress and an increase in contentment reducing the need to overeat and the scents slimming action is activated.

You're supposed to spray the perfume on in the morning and then whenever the need for snacking arises; apparently, "further results can be achieved by very lightly massaging into targeted areas, morning and night to help sculpt and slim the contours of the body." But get this: French lab BIO-EC ran a trial study that found 75% of non-dieting women ages 18-70 felt the perfume made them stop snacking. 73% also reported "pleasurable feelings." Unless the "targeted area" is the mouth and this perfume tastes like fancy cheese, we refuse to believe these findings and demand more information. Alternate theory: the perfume is actually crack.

It's on sale for £29.99, and apparently there are already 6,000 U.K. customers waiting to spray caffeine on their cellulite. We wish them the best of luck with that.

The world's first 'weight loss fragrance' revealed [Daily Mail via Refinery 29]

(Image via The Fragrance Shop.)

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