World's Worst Son 'Rubs Dog Defecation' in Mom's Face During Argument [Poop]

It's a classic tale: Son demands vodka, mother yells at son, son acquires feces, son smears feces in mother's face, son goes to jail. (Or, the short version: Florida.)

Via the Smoking Gun:

Cops arrested William Jenkins, 22, on a felony domestic battery charge for pushing his mother, 53, to the floor during the dispute, according to a Palmetto Police Department report.

When questioned by cops, Jenkins denied pushing his mother, but admitted that he "did rub dog defecation on her face because she yelled at him," investigators noted.

The confrontation between Jenkins, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, was apparently prompted by his mother's refusal to provide him with a shot of vodka.

Jenkins retrieved the dog feces from the home's back porch, where his mother's dog had relieved itself. He "then reached down with his hand picked up the dog defecation and rubbed it in his mother's face," cops reported.

Ah, yes. Nothing like the old, "I didn't push her—I just rubbed shit in her face, JEEZ" defense. The whole thing went down in Manatee County, Florida, which makes everything better because then you can pretend that the entire police department is staffed by actual manatees in tiny caps. And then the detective manatee goes a little off the rails and the chief manatee is like, "Jimmy, you're getting too close to this case! Give me your gun and badge!" and Jimmy's like, "Chief, I can nail this guy!" and then they both get distracted and go munch kelp. Manatee County. That's free, Hollywood. That's for you.

Florida Police Arrest Worst Son In The World [TSG]

Photo credit: Cory Thoman/Stockfresh.

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Worst Person Ever Allegedly Beats Up Girlfriend Due to Suspicions She's Sleeping With Mitt Romney [Omg Wtf]

Aug 1, 2012 1:40 PM  

40-year-old Tennessee resident Lowell Turpin allegedly punched his girlfriend and smashed her laptop against a wall because he was convinced she was having a secret affair with Mitt Romney.

Yes. This really happened. Super Sleuth Turpin became violently jealous after he saw a photo of the presidential candidate on his girlfriend's Facebook page and "angrily demanded to know who the male was," according to the Anderson County Sheriff's Department. His partner denied an affair — obviously — but Turpin wasn't having any of it. He also accused her of "attempting to communicate with friends through her Facebook account," because, aside from being an assaulter, this horrible man apparently knows absolutely nothing about anything going on in this country. Okay, fine, let's accept that he didn't recognize one of the most famous faces in the continent right now. But who doesn't know how to use Facebook?

Turpin was arrested on suspicion of domestic assault and is currently in jail. We hope his girlfriend doesn't bail him out and instead runs off with a Mitt Romney lookalike (hey, there's no accounting for taste) who understands how social networking works.

Jealous Tennessee man allegedly smacks around his girlfriend because she had a pic of another guy on her Facebook page - but it was Mitt Romney [NY Daily News]

(Image via police handout.)

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World's Worst Dating Website Asks Who You'd Want By Your Side During a 'Dark Night'-esque Tragedy [Omg Wtf]

All hope for humanity is officially lost: Death and Taxes' Ned Hepburn received a press release from a dating website asking readers who they'd want by their side on a first date "IN THE EVENT OF A TRAGEDY LIKE THE DARK NIGHT MASSACRE." (Emphasis ours, out of emotional necessity.)

We don't expect all that much in terms of class from WhatsYourPrice.com, which is basically like Ebay for women. (No, that doesn't mean it's Pinterest-y, it means you actually get to bid on female humans.) But this goes above and beyond all our seedy advertising expectations. An excerpt:

Hi [redacted],

In the event of a tragedy like the Dark Knight Massacre, who would you want by your side on a first date? One online dating website asked their members what they would do on a first date if they found themselves in danger, and the answer may surprise you. If you are holding out for a hero, dating someone who is generous, but not necessarily wealthy, may be the difference between life and death.

During the Dark Knight Massacre, three men lost their lives to save the lives of their girlfriends. But what if you were on a first date, and you had only just met? How do you differentiate the courageous from the cowardly? According to the results of the survey of over 20,000 generous male members, it's by generosity, but a man's generosity is not defined by the size of his wallet. In fact, men who make between $80,000 to $150,000 per year are more likely to take a bullet for you on a first date.Those who fall outside of that income bracket, are significantly less likely to put their well being over that of their date's, on a first date.

Read the rest here.

Online dating website trying to capitalize on Aurora shooting tragedy [Death and Taxes]

(Image via WhatsYourPrice.com)

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