If You Try and Don't Succeed, Thigh and Thigh Again [Thighlights]

Aug 9, 2012 7:00 PM  

I don't know about you, but all of this Olympic Thighlight coverage has really motivated me to get in shape and when I say "get in shape," what I actually mean is stuff my mouth with generic cheese puffs, while looking at photo after photo of incredibly athletic and attractive individuals who haven't so much as glanced at cheese puffs, generic or otherwise, in the past two years. Still, I'm feeling pretty good about things (though that might just be a case of the puff swoons) and I hope you are, too.

Let's get cracking 'cause Olympic Thighlights wait for no one.

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Awkward: Rupert Sanders Is Slated to Direct Kristen Stewart Again in a Sequel Nobody Wants [Video]

Once upon a time, there was a princess who was in love with vampire, and then she met a guy with a wife and kids who said, "Let's spin straw into gold," and she was like, "OK." But, alas, some people got pictures of the two of them doing some illicit straw-gold-spinning, and the vampire was upset by the pictures and ran for the comfort of Reese Witherspoon.

Meanwhile, Universal Studios still claims that Rupert Sanders is signed on to direct the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, which would once again star Kristen Stewart, but his wife Liberty Ross basically said, "Like fuck you are," understandably. [Sugarscape, Radar Online]

Oh: Robert Pattinson is talking to K-Stew again. [Radar]

For years, there has been a Beyoncé documentary-shaped hole in the world. Sweet relief is nigh: Bey is shopping around 20 minutes of footage to distributors with an endgame of producing and directing a documentary about her life and career, "a mix of music and personal study, blending concert footage with confessional interview" a la Katy Perry's Part Of Me. [LA Times]

Here's a 30-second preview for Mariah Carey's new single "Triumphant," which makes its radio debut later today and features verses by Meek Mill and Rick Ross. [Soundcloud]

The trailer for The Paperboy, best known as That Movie Wherein Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron Do It, looks just this side of postmodern Tennesee Williams-style camp. You know, where everyone's got their fake Southern accent on and tearing up the scenery and it's so swampy out people are ripping their clothes off all the time. If you don't believe me, please note that Matthew McConaughey is also present.

What's that you say? You want screenshots of ZEfron in wet tighty-whities? Here ya go. [Vh1]

Bet you didn't see this coming: Bar Rafaeli and Shaun White have maybe been dating since May. They've been snapped canoodling in multiple countries and were just spotted together cheering on Michael Phelps as he won his 19th gold medal in a 4x200m freestyle relay final. Weird. [NYDN]

Jessica Biel says that Justin Timberlake often makes her change her outfit before they go out. Urghhrhhh. [Belfast Telegraph]Seth MacFarlane and Miss USA Olivia Culpo are not dating. This is made exponentially better because the main picture here, confusingly, is of MacFarlane and Rob Lowe, who is mentioned nowhere in the item. [NYDN]Apparently Clint Eastwood came up to Jeff Daniels one time and told him that toilet scene in Dumb & Dumber really resonated with him because one time he ate bad shellfish with a date and went back to her house with her and clogged her toilet. Clint Eastwood poops! [Entertainment Weekly]Lindsay Lohan blames paparazzi for her 2010 car accident. [TMZ]Miley Cyrus's L.A. house got "swatted," a terrible new prank that involves fake emergency calls. [TMZ]Model Daisy Lowe was scandalized by her own Playboy photos. [Fox News]Ivana Trump has a new boyfriend named Marc Antonio Rota. [Page Six]Victoria Beckham discussed her famous scowl in Glamour: "I actually used to smile a lot in pictures. I think I only stopped smiling when I got into fashion. Fashion stole my smile! I've created this person. And I'm not saying that's not me, but I wouldn't say that's the whole me. It's an armor that goes up." [Us Weekly]Boardwalk Empire star Kelly Macdonald is pregnant. [Examiner]Some Miley Cyrus boudoir shots taken for Liam Hemsworth are now for everyone. [HuffPo]Khloe Kardashian tweets: Still get disgusted by how people judge others by weight. Either "fat" or "skinny". Nothing is ever good enough... [Twitter]Kaley Cuoco says she wants 10 seasons of The Big Bang Theory. That makes one of us. [Digital Spy]Here's Christina Aguilera doing a PSA for Yum! Brands World Hunger Relief. [YouTube]It doesn't take much to transform Russell Brand into Captain Hook, as evidenced in this Annie Leibowitz shot. [L.A. Times]Doug Ellin is on page 65 of the Entourage movie, whose logline probably sounds something like "What happens when one very attractive man and three talentless parasites hang out in Los Angeles and fuck models? Nothing." [E! Online]Amidst rumors of their marriage ending, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are flying away to New York. [Monsters and Critics]Camilla Alves, Matthew McConaughey's wife, did not want to get married at all. [TNVZ.co.nz]Jon Gosselin is broke and may face jail time for not being able to pay child support. [The Hollywood Gossip]Here's that close-up of Sofia Vergara's giant engagement rock that you wanted. Might I suggest an eclipse deflector? [Twitter]Cate Blanchett is psyched that people think she's boring. [Page Six]

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Zack Morris Gets Married Again to Some Woman Who’s Still Not Kelly Kapowski [Dirt Bag]

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, who will most likely remain best-known for his fine work on the post-modern high school comedy Saved By the Bell, as well as for that time in Weeds when he had really nasty Showtime sex with Mary-Louise Parker, married a woman who wasn't named Kelly Kapowski at a winery in California. Gosselaar proposed to advertising exec. Catriona McGinn one year ago, a mere three months after divorcing Lisa Ann Russell, and apparently played a significant role in planning the wedding because that's the sort of thing you'd expect from Zack Morris. Always scheming, that one. [People, E!]

Jimmy Kimmel suggested that maybe Adam Carolla didn't mean it when he said that women aren't as funny as men. Said Kimmel, "I think Adam says a lot of things he doesn't mean." So you see? It was all a big misunderstanding and we just shouldn't listen to Adam Carolla anymore. [Black Book, The Wrap]A U-Haul was spotted outside of the crumbling love palace Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson built together. [TMZ]According to Leopold Ross, Liberty Ross' brother, Rupert Sanders and Kristen Stewart had been carrying on for months and, as a result, Leopold will be making a knuckle sandwich just for his brother-in-law. [Daily Mail]Paul Raef, the guy who car-chased Justin Bieber, received a restraining order in 2010 for extreme paparazzing, i.e. punching another paparazzo in the face, while trying to get a picture of Heidi Klum. [TMZ]Parisians got angry at Madonna the other night not because her concert was bad, but because she was wantonly using a swastika at an earlier concert and the French people have a particular sensitivity to swastikas because of something that happened to their country a few decades ago. [TMZ]Now you can bid for a chance to sit at the same booth in Vitello's Restaurant that Robert Blake sat at just before his wife was shot outside. Three cheers for capitalism! [TMZ]Norway has told Snoop Dogg that he can't play in the fjords for two whole years. [E!]Jason Bateman tweeted a picture of his pretend son arriving in his pretend home. [Twitter]Blake Shelton tweeted about fake running over a turtle accidentally/on purpose and NPR blogger Barbara King got extremely circle of lifey on him. [Buzzfeed]Boxer David Hayne really admires the way Tom Hardy bulked up for The Dark Knight Rises (no homo) and would like to fight the actor in his underpants. [The Sun]Paris Hilton's younger brother Conrad got caught with some pot and had to spend the weekend in the pokey, which is old-timey slang for jail. [TMZ]According to Mischa Barton, paparazzi can go to extreme lengths for weird pictures: "Thanks a lot to the photographer who decided to let the air out odour tires and watch us pump them back up." [Twitter]O.J. Simpson won't be giving Oprah an interview, so everyone quit not asking O.J. about it. [NYDN]Producers are having trouble finding someone to play with Kelly Ripa in her morning show sandbox. [NYDN]

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Bristol Palin Loves Dancing on TV So Much She's Doing It Again [Video]

Even though she has her own program (on which she admits she's doing a terrible job disciplining her son, who utters words the FCC won't allow) Bristol Palin just can't get enough of the spotlight. The cast of Dancing With The Stars: All Stars has been announced, and your girl BriPal (Brilin?) is number one on the list of names, alongside Pamela Anderson, Kelly Monaco, Melissa Rycroft, Shawn Johnson, Kirstie Alley, Joey Fatone, Helio Castroneves, Drew Lachey, Emmitt Smith, Apolo Ohno and Gilles Marini. Can't wait to see what kind of songs Bristol will boogie to this time — last year she shimmied to "Mama Told Me Not To Come." [NYDN]

Sad news: Lupe Ontiveros, the Texas-born actress best known for roles in Selena and The Goonies (she was Rosalita), died today of liver cancer at the age of 69. In 2009, she spoke about how she'd played a maid 300 times.

"You'd say, 'You want an accent?' And they'd say, 'Yes, we prefer for you to have an accent.' And the thicker and more waddly it is, the more they like it… I long to play a judge. I long to play a lesbian woman. I long to play a councilman, someone with some chutzpah."

But she also told LA Weekly: "I've had a hell of a good time playing those maids… No matter how much I resent the stupidity that is written into them, the audacity that the industry has when they portray us in such a nonsensical, idiotic, such - oh my God! - such a degrading manner, still, my humor survives in these maids," she said. "I'm very proud of them." [Vulture]

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have one of those insipid nicknames, and it is Ashmi. They are together, like, for real. [Hollyscoop]

What do you think housekeeping found after Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan and Ellen Von Unwerth spent the night at the Chateau Marmont? [NYDN]

Michael Sanders, father of director Rupert Sanders, says everyone needs to calm the fuck down about his son embracing and kissing Kristen Stewart: "From what I gather nothing really happened and it is all a lot of fuss about nothing. I should imagine it was something very brief," he said. "She is a very pretty girl and when you work that closely with someone for so long, sometimes things happen." [People]
Here are more pix of Kristen Stewart being embraced by Rupert Sanders. [Yeeeah]

Do you have thoughts about Jennifer Lopez's brightly colored and desperately frantic new video? Because I can't form thoughts, except that I feel bad for the wolf dogs. [NYDN]

Do you like that show The Killing? Yeah? Well it's been canceled. Sorry. [TVLine, LA Times Show Tracker]

BREAKING: Sofia Vergara's bra size is 32F. Yes, this is news. [Wow Report, Just Jared, via Allure]

Let's take a moment and absorb the fact that there is a new couple in Celebland. Pizza-sharing lovers Katy Perry and John Mayer, who shared a pizza while they were sharing a pizza together over the pizza that they were sharing. Together. In bed. [Us]Justin Bieber has a filthy mouth, and a fellow airline passenger had to tell him the expletives he was spouting were inappropriate. This is what happens when your guardian is named Scooter. Ill-mannered. [TMZ]Hans Zimmer, who composed the music for The Dark Knight Rises, has announced a new song called "Aurora" dedicated to the victims of the Colorado theater shooting. [MTV]How hungry are you for the new album Duran Duran will be making after the Olympics? Hungry like the fox? Hungry like the tiger? No, you're hungry like the Canis lupus, which, according to Wikipedia, "is a species of canid native to the wilderness and remote areas of North America, Eurasia, and North Africa." [L.A. Times]Dr. Conrad Murray has invited Katherine Jackson to come visit him in jail. Cough. [ABC News]Chris Brown got into a fight? How odd. What uncharacteristic behavior. [NYDN]If you're feeling like things cannot get worse, you're wrong: Paris Hilton has a crush on Chris Brown. [Radar]Shit, who knew Gladys Knight was so scary? [TMZ]My pretend boyfriend bought us a new house. [Radar]Remember how The Game canceled his wedding? Well it's back on. Hopefully you didn't return your gift. [TMZ]Emily The Bachelorette is gonna take Jef With One F's last name, not that you give a fuck. [People]Twitter was down on Thursday, and it might have been because those glazed petit fours from One Direction were trying to have a Twitcam sesh. Cute boys ruin everything. [MTV News]Krayzie Bone from Bone Thugs (where else?) has been busted for drunk driving. See you at the crossroads. [TMZ]Really don't picture Jay-Z drinking a beer, but here he is narrating a spot for Budweiser's Made in America Festival. [The Life Files]Best wishes to Darlene Love, who is recovering from a heart attack. [AP]MTV is bringing back Daria! For like, a few days. But still. [Pop Candy]Not celeb-related but OMG WHITE LION CUBS! [Buzzfeed]

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