Megachurch Pastor & Author of Marriage Advice Books Fired After Getting Caught Making Out with Teenager [Holy Crap]

Jack Schaap, an Indiana megachurch pastor with a finely tuned Sincerity Face, has been fired after he was caught sincerely sucking face with a girl who was not his God-endorsed wife. The good news is that the girl appeared to consent to the makeout sesh. The super, extra gigantic bad news is that according to some sources, she's underage. God impregnated the Virgin Mary when she was, like, 14, so I don't understand what the big deal is here.

The 54-year-old Schaap was the head of First Baptist Church in Hammond, Indiana, the 20th largest church by population in the US with a congregation of some 15,000 parishioners. He was busted just days ago, when a deacon at First Baptist retrieved Schaap's cell phone for him just in time to see a picture message arrive from Schaap's young paramour. The picture showed the two of them — the girl and the God guy — making out.

Schaap is married to the daughter of another megachurch pastor, and the two have two adult children. When he isn't preaching the word of God, he's writing marriage advice books. I swear I didn't make that up. Here's a sort of creepy passage from one called Divine Intimacy,

When a person acts out by his life actions that lie about the truth of the Bible, God gets very upset. Nothing symbolizes more of what God has with the believer like the romantic, intimate, physical intimacies between a husband and wife. The wife receives her husbands body. Ephesians 5:23 says that the husband is Christ in the home. When a wife receives her husband's body, she is saying, 'I just want to remind you, Christ, that I am receiving You'.

And another,

The person who deeply loves Christ understands that when He receives Christ as Saviour, it is a spiritual intercourse. A person receives the body of Christ. A Christian is the female gender in the spiritual realm, and God is the male gender of the spiritual realm. When a person receives Christ as Saviour, he is receiving Christ as a lover.

Maybe he wasn't wearing his glasses that day and, in his haze, he could have sworn the teenage girl was Jesus? IDK, maybe they have similar hairstyles and beards.

Other books by marriage expert/philanderer Jack Schaap include How to Speak Husband, Marriage: God's Original Intent, and How to Speak Wife.

What's Wife for "I'm sorry I cheated on you with a girl who may be as young as 16?"

[NYDN]

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Ryan Lochte Gives Womankind Questionable Fashion Advice [Ryan Lochte]

It's been a busy week for your boyfriend US swimmer Ryan Lochte. First, he moistened America's vaginas by undulating suggestively through the water whilst wearing a Speedo, then he dried them back up again when he tried to wear that stupid America grill on the medal stand after winning gold. But even in the midst of his exhausting schedule of winking at cameras, making that fist clenching and shaking them over opposite shoulders "I WIN! I AM A WINNER" gesture, and having sex with you in your imagination, he's found time to share his thoughts on The Ladies — what's confusing about them, what clothes look good on them. And, Ryan — bless his aquatic, superhuman heart — should probably stick to swimming.

Women's Health chatted briefly with Lochte at the Games and asked him some gravely important questions about how he feels about women. They're confusing, but also interesting, he offers. He likes to have sex with the lights on and he rarely wears clothes, he adds. And if he could have one super power in the world, it would be the power to read women's thoughts (here's the point in the interview that no one had the heart to tell him that if he could tell what women are thinking, it's that they wonder how Ryan Lochte's penis looks) like how Mel Gibson reads women's thoughts in What Women Want. Oh, Ryan.

But the best bit of the interview is when they ask him what clothes look most fetching on a woman. Thankfully, Lochte didn't say "nothing," which is a thing that guys who will give you crabs say; instead, he said they look good one of his long sleeved button down shirts "and that's all," or in white jeans.

White jeans. Ryan Lochte's dream girl is a YM Trauma Rama anecdote waiting to happen.

[Women's Health]

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Will Arnett Adorably Attempts to One-Up Wife Amy Poehler with His Own Advice Videos for Boys [Video]

Jul 27, 2012 6:45 PM  

Welcome to Boys' Minute, Will Arnett's new biweekly series meant to compliment wife Amy Poehler's Ask Amy. While Amy's videos are tender and heartfelt, Will's (thus far) are a little different. Either way, we'll take it.

[Smart Girls]

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