Megachurch Pastor & Author of Marriage Advice Books Fired After Getting Caught Making Out with Teenager [Holy Crap]

Jack Schaap, an Indiana megachurch pastor with a finely tuned Sincerity Face, has been fired after he was caught sincerely sucking face with a girl who was not his God-endorsed wife. The good news is that the girl appeared to consent to the makeout sesh. The super, extra gigantic bad news is that according to some sources, she's underage. God impregnated the Virgin Mary when she was, like, 14, so I don't understand what the big deal is here.

The 54-year-old Schaap was the head of First Baptist Church in Hammond, Indiana, the 20th largest church by population in the US with a congregation of some 15,000 parishioners. He was busted just days ago, when a deacon at First Baptist retrieved Schaap's cell phone for him just in time to see a picture message arrive from Schaap's young paramour. The picture showed the two of them — the girl and the God guy — making out.

Schaap is married to the daughter of another megachurch pastor, and the two have two adult children. When he isn't preaching the word of God, he's writing marriage advice books. I swear I didn't make that up. Here's a sort of creepy passage from one called Divine Intimacy,

When a person acts out by his life actions that lie about the truth of the Bible, God gets very upset. Nothing symbolizes more of what God has with the believer like the romantic, intimate, physical intimacies between a husband and wife. The wife receives her husbands body. Ephesians 5:23 says that the husband is Christ in the home. When a wife receives her husband's body, she is saying, 'I just want to remind you, Christ, that I am receiving You'.

And another,

The person who deeply loves Christ understands that when He receives Christ as Saviour, it is a spiritual intercourse. A person receives the body of Christ. A Christian is the female gender in the spiritual realm, and God is the male gender of the spiritual realm. When a person receives Christ as Saviour, he is receiving Christ as a lover.

Maybe he wasn't wearing his glasses that day and, in his haze, he could have sworn the teenage girl was Jesus? IDK, maybe they have similar hairstyles and beards.

Other books by marriage expert/philanderer Jack Schaap include How to Speak Husband, Marriage: God's Original Intent, and How to Speak Wife.

What's Wife for "I'm sorry I cheated on you with a girl who may be as young as 16?"

[NYDN]

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Batshit Colorado Pastor Is Getting Unreasonably Angry at the Muppets [Rights And Rites]

A Colorado pastor named Kevin Swanson had a conniption fit on his radio show Generations with Vision last Friday about the Muppets breaking ties with Chick-fil-A, again demonstrating that some fundamentalist Christians are more comfortable having dialogues with imaginary creatures than with real people.

Swanson and co-host Dave Buehner suggested that the fryers at Chick-fil-A should be filled with frog legs and then cleverly added that some sort of porcine sandwich should be added to the menu as well, both of which menu amendations, however awful in this context, would actually still be okay with Chick-fil-A's bovine marketing firm. Earlier this year, it may have seemed impossible that even the most vitriolic of bigots could take issue with the Muppets, what with the way they handled Tex Richman, but bigotry knows no reason or bounds, which is why a radio troll like Kevin Swanson thinks that this passes for actual historical analysis:

A Christian perspective ultimately brought the death penalty upon homosexuality between roughly 350 AD and roughly 1850 or so. For about 1,500 years that form of life had pretty much been eliminated except here and there. Of course, now you have a massive, massive increase in this kind of thing.

Swanson also shocked listeners by suggesting Bert and Ernie are gay, adding that "tolerance only runs one direction-you only can tolerate gays, you can't tolerate those who don't support gays." "Support" and "tolerate" are two very different words — nobody has to actively support anything that they don't want to support. If Swanson prefers to make halting love to a single horrified woman, he can just sit quietly at home and think about how the dinosaurs were really just robots created by a time-traveling Steven Spielberg in a diabolical conspiracy to prove that God isn't real. It's not that anyone wouldn't tolerate a bigot like Swanson's right to keep his bad opinions to himself, it's that people don't and shouldn't tolerate vitriol.

CO Pastor Wants Kermit, Miss Piggy On Chick-Fil-A Menu For Taking "Sodomy Route" [Queerty]

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