Hooters Would Like to Remind You That Your Body Is Fucking Disgusting [Video]

Okay, I know it's like the most obvious uptight-feminist cliche ever, but god, I hate Hooters. I fucking hate Hooters so much. Mainly because I like to eat things that actually taste good, and also because I dislike being reminded that a lot of people's ideal woman is a pliant sex mannequin who delivers fried foods. But Hooters—not to be outdone by Hooters!—never fails to come up with new ways to remind me to hate Hooters. Here comes one now!

It's a new advertising campaign helmed by Jody Hill (creator of Eastbound and Down), starring a bored lifeguard, two talking owl puppets, and a swimming pool full of old ladies. The old ladies are doing water aerobics (unattractive people exercising in public? GROSS), and the lifeguard has to—GAG—look at them. In their bathing suits. Are you okay? Are you still conscious? Then, a little devil owl and a little angel owl pop up on his shoulders to let him know that Hooters exists.

Hooters! A land where all the servants are women and all the women are "girls" (their terminology, not mine)—specifically young, seminude, obedient girls laden with fried chicken and paid to flirt. A PARADISE. The old women in the pool, on the other hand, are the woooooooorst! "I just threw up in my beak," quips the devil owl, who apparently hasn't heard a new joke since 1992. At the sight of some cellulite on an old woman's leg, even the angel owl comes around: "Let's go to Hooters. Right now." Then the lifeguard runs off to eat a mountain of dirty onion rings flanked by thin, busty young women (the only good kind of woman, obv!) and, now unsupervised, all the old ladies drown. HOPEFULLY.

Okay. Of course I get that sex appeal is exchanged for tips in pretty much all corners of the food service industry. But the way Hooters formalizes that transaction and makes its employees (human beings, all!) sell themselves beneath novelty signs that say, "CAUTION: BLONDES THINKING" is just...hella gross. It's like some sort of old-timey misogyny theme park, where men get to treat women exactly how they did before all that pesky liberation got into the water supply. But hey, it's all in fun! It's a family restaurant! It's empowering, if you think about it!* Don't be so uptight, dummies!

But even if I didn't hate Hooters with the fiery passion of a million billion suns, this ad is still a failure because it's totally not funny or original or good. It appeals to only the most basic, embarrassing stereotype of a Hooters patron. And is that really what you want to be, dudes? Really? Eastbound and Down (which I like a lot—season one, at least) is...less than sensitive when it comes to pretty much everything, but it tempers that insensitivity by making its main character a pathetic, broken-down, abject failure of a human being who actually manages to say funny things. This commercial is just a stank bundle of cheap, hacky, antique jokes that prop up the patently damaging notion that women's societal value declines drastically with every cellulite dimple. Oh, thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. Now that I'm too embarrassed to go to the pool and exercise because some dickhead lifeguard and the voices in his head are going to be horking over my body, I guess I'll just cloak my shame in sweatpants and gorge on fried chicken all night! Does anybody know where I can get some hot wings?

...Wait.

...Oh.

ADVERTISING STRIKES AGAIN. CURSES.

* :-|

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Gabby Douglas's Mom Is Fucking Pissed About the Hair Critics: 'Are you TRYING to Ruin Her Self-Confidence?' [Olympics]

As previously discussed, some people watching the Olympics — mostly fellow African-Americans — have been critical of Gabby Douglas's hair. For many black people, hair is not just hair: it is "good" or "bad," a political statement, a reflection of socio-economical status and a vehicle for messages about social and beauty standards. For Douglas, an athlete competing on the world stage, as long as her hair is not in her way, it should be fine. But some couldn't resist making snide comments on Twitter and Facebook, in a sad display of girl-on-girl crime.

Fashionista caught up with Gabby's mom, Natalie Hawkins, in the Olympic Village, and asked her how Gabby felt about it:

She said,"Really?! I won two gold medals and made history and my hair is trending?" So we laughed about it. We made a huge joke out of it and I was quick to try to diffuse that situation. Because I thought, "How ignorant is it of people to comment on her hair and she still has more competitions to go. Are you TRYING to ruin her self confidence? She has to go out there and feel good about herself, and if she feels good about herself on that floor, who are YOU to criticize her? What have YOU done to help contribute to her dream, that you felt it necessary to put it out there so that she could see it."

But it's clear that Hawkins, with whom Gabby does not live much of the time, is incredibly (and rightfully) frustrated that her daughter's hair has sparked discussion:

She gets relaxer but we try not to relax it too much. It's really been African American women that have come out and attacked her. They don't know about gymnastics. She has to keep her hair in a ponytail 28-30 hours a week. In gymnastics you're tumbling around on your hair. You're falling backwards on it. You're doing "timers" and your hair is constantly snagging on the mat, and for our hair that's very detrimental. You're going into foam pits–and any hair stylist will tell you that foam on African American hair is destructive. It breaks the hair horribly. We had to come up with creative ways to keep [Gabby's] hair looking good. We've tried the short hair style, we've tried long. We grew her hair out because she preferred long hair. I'm not going to make her cut her hair just to please someone else.

Nor should she.

Gabby Douglas' Mom Takes on Her Daughter's Hair Haters: ‘If She Feels Good About Herself, Who Are You To Criticize Her?' [Fashionista]
Gabby Douglas' mother Natalie Hawkins on hair ‘controversy': ‘Are you trying to ruin her self confidence?' [The Grio]

Earlier: Haters Need to Shut the Hell Up About Gabby Douglas' Hair
Gabby Douglas Doesn't Give a Shit What You Think About Her Hair

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