Insane Asshole Physically Assaults 11-Year-Old Girl for Lollapalooza Beach Ball [Wtf]

Encountering an asshole at a music festival is about as surprising as encountering ants at a picnic, so it takes a special monster to rise above the rest and be singled out as one of the most horrible concert attendees (and humans) to have ever lived. Sadly, 19-year-old Conrad Slimak was all too happy to fill that role when, during the Lollapalooza music festival in Chicago this past Sunday, he punched an 11-year-old girl in the stomach for refusing to give him the Lollapalooza branded beach ball that she received while attending the event with her mother.

Michelle Fiore was walking with her daughter outside of the festival around 8:45pm when she was approached by Slimak and three of his friends, all of whom were wearing 3-day Lollapalooza wristbands. The group allegedly requested that the mother and daughter give them one of their souvenir beach balls and Fiore, thinking that they were joking, responded, "Sure, that will be $50.''

Reportedly, Slimak — going from being an annoying dickbag to a full-on barbarian — became upset, shouting, "I'm a college student. Does it look like I have money?" before punching the 11-year-old in the abdomen to force her to drop the ball.

"It's ridiculous,'' said Fiore to the Chicago Tribune. "We were attacked for a beach ball.''

The daughter — who thankfully was not injured enough to go the the hospital — and mother were then able to flag down a police car and Slimak was immediately caught and taken into custody where he was charged with misdemeanor battery and assault.

Hope it was worth it, Conrad, because your broke college-self (who, by the way, could afford a full weekend concert pass) is about to endure — in addition to being thrown in jail — a lifetime of being labeled as the full-grown asshole who punched a little girl because you wanted her toy.

Cops: Man punched girl, 11, to get beach ball at Lollapalooza [Chicago Tribune]

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The Men's Beach Volleyball Uniforms Need an Overhaul [Olympics]

With every Olympic Games, the skimpy uniforms worn by the Women's Beach Volleyball teams grab attention. According to the Huffington Post, there was a press conference on Wednesday, and player Phil Dalhausser discussed the fact that the ladies wear teeny two-pieces while the men wear tops and shorts. "I'm OK with this. They're way prettier than us," he said. Todd Rogers, a medalist in 2008, agreed:

"It just doesn't look as beautiful. The reality is men are driven more by their vision and women are not, so I just don't think it would help. I've practiced in Brazil where the Brazilians are wearing Speedos and it just doesn't look good. To see a guy's package is just not the same."

Dude. First of all, It is the same. We've been conditioned to think it is not the same, but it is. You wanna see ladyparts? You should see man parts too. Second of all, let's forget about the package. Let's just focus on the fact that while the women are diving into the sand with exposed bellies, you guys are wearing shirts. What the fuck. Take your shirts off. TAKE YOUR SHIRTS OFF. Some Olympians agree:

April Ross, competing for the women, told press, "We argue for [the men to go sans shirts] all the time... Men have such amazing bodies, too. They shouldn't be wearing tank tops. Give them shorts and make them go without a shirt."

Exactly. Let's see your abs.

And you don't have to wear a tiny Speedo to make the uniform better. Ditch those loose knee-length shorts, for crying out loud. What about some square-cut trunks? If they're good enough for Elvis, Alain Delon and James Bond, they're good enough for the Olympics.

Another option: Low-cut trunks like the ones worn by the swim team in ridiculous warlock movie The Covenant. (Why yes, that is Tim Riggins/Taylor Kitsch third from the left.)

The point is: If the ladies are going to get objectified, so should the men. Show us some pecs and abs, get sand in your belly button. If the ladies can do it, so can you. Plus, I will be more likely to watch you play. And if you feel like I'm just watching to check out your body, well, now you know how the women's team feels.

2012 Olympics Volleyball: Bikinis For The Women... But What About The Men? [HuffPo]

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