Kristen Stewart Is Moving Out, Leaving Robert Pattinson Free to Become the Recluse His Hair Has Always Wanted to Be [Dirt Bag]

Though it had initially seemed that Robert Pattinson was packing up his U-Haul and skedaddling from the home he shares/ed with Kristen Stewart, a new report indicates the exact opposite of that scenario is happening even as we calmly scroll through the internets for salacious gossip — R-Patz has in fact demanded that K-Stew gtfo at her earliest convenience.

The U-Haul that was spotted outside the rupturing couple's home was actually ferrying Stewart's stuff out of the house. Meanwhile, Pattinson has been keeping a low profile until it's safe for him to return to the empty home and sulk in the dark until the super-awkward premiere of Breaking Dawn, Part Deux. Mean-meanwhile, Rupert Sanders was seen moseying around town with his wedding ring situated firmly around his finger, which means that Kristen Stewart is some kind of blame electromagnet since she's the only member of this love triangle who seems to be losing out. Way unfair. [People, TMZ]

Everyone can relax — half of the Sister, Sister duo is returning to scripted television with news that Tia Mowry will be starring in Nick at Nite's Instant Mom, a show about a reformed party-girl (Mowry) who marries an older man with children. Since it'd be impossible to number the many millions of comedic gold veins lining this concept, let's just hope that Roger makes frequent appearances as a recidivist partyer who comes around Mowry's new home looking to score some ecstasy, awkward visits that force Mowry to think of increasingly/decreasingly clever explanations for her relationship with Roger. [Deadline]

Have you been worrying your fingernails to nubbins because you didn't know who Mariah Carey's American Idol sidekicks would be and you've never read the Berenstain Bears nail-biting morality tale? Worry no more! Rumor has it that one strapping young man and one strapping less-young man named Nick Jonas and Pharrell Williams are frontrunners to replace Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson. [Us]

Bret Michaels and Kristi Gibson, who've been dating desultorily for 18 years, have called off their engagement and, for the time being, look to be really and truly kaput. A rep said that, though the couple is now separated, they "remain great friends," which is super convenient because they still have two daughters to raise. [Us]

You will most definitely be seeing more of Ricky Martin, who just signed a deal to develop and star in his very own NBC show. Does anyone else secretly want this to be an I Love Lucy reboot, which is set in a grim futurescape of hovering cars, a perpetually smog-filled sky, and weekly grain shortages, where Fred and Ethel are really members of a secret police force that is spying on Ricky and Lucy to find out the true nature of their involvement with the Neo-Bolshevik resistance, or would that be television blasphemy? [THR]

Whilst trying to impress his basketball teammates in the celebrity-infested Drew League with an Air Jordan impression, The Game fell to the court, where someone "accidentally" stepped on his hand and broke his thumb and wrist. It happened in a playoff game, too, which means that the whole incident was extra humiliating. [TMZ]Is Robert Pattinson so devastated and lonely that he's turning to strangers for emotional support? Eh, probably not. [The Sun]Peter Jackson has confirmed that he'll be splitting The Hobbit up into three movies because money, money moooooooonaaaaay. [Deadline]Elizabeth Berkley gave birth to a son whose douchey high school friends will one day give him a lot of shit for his mom's role in Showgirls. [X17]Bill Hader now has another daughter to amuse endlessly. [People]The Modern Family producers have discreetly replaced the French bulldog that plays Stella (whose real name is Brigitte) for some unknown reason that probably has something to do with poop. [TMZ]Drew Barrymore adheres to a Spartan diet of twigs, raw meat, and the tears of downtrodden Helots, except when it comes to Kraft mac and cheese, then all bets are off. [People]Sheryl Crow is understandably a little freaked out because a delusional fan has threatened to shoot her. [TMZ]Kobe Bryant's wife Vanessa Bryant is reportedly angry that her husband stripped to the waist and played with his phone while two women watched him with great curiosity during a party in Barcelona. [TMZ]Justin Bieber is reportedly writing and producing some high-quality muzak for girlfriend Selena Gomez. [L.A. Times]Paul McCartney was paid approx. £1 sterling for his gig at the Olympics. [AP]Real Housewives of Beverly Hills mega-platinum deluxe stars Adrienne Maloof and Dr. Paul Nassif are trying to raise their celebrity profiles by having a very public divorce. [TMZ]15-year-old Monica Howse, the daughter of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's Flesh-n-Bone, has been missing for seven days. [TMZ]Fallen New Yorker star Jonah Lehrer has admitted that he fabricated a lot of Bob Dylan quotes for the book Imagine: How Creativity Works, which suddenly has a very meta title . [AP]Faithful-son Johnny Depp visited his ailing mother in the ICU at Cedars-Sinai in L.A. [E!]Tony Martin, known for the musicals Casbah and Ziegfeld Girl, as well as the cabaret he performed with his wife Cyd Charisse, has died at the age of 98. [L.A. Times]Take a gander at what Amy Winehouse looks like painted as Frida Kahlo. [HuffPo]

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